Your trauma does not define your story.
Reliving The Pain
For the longest time, I was avoiding writing this story. Using my eight children as an obstacle ahead is a good enough excuse, but I was running away from reliving the pain again.
You’d think for something that has happened more than a decade is buried and done with, but our brain doesn’t work that way; it stores memories. And when you remember — you get to live it all over again as if it was happening right now.
Dr. Joe Dispenza says,
By recalling the same memory over and over again, we are firing and wiring the same circuits into neural networks (causing them to fire more automatically the next time), which means it’s easier to remember that painful past. Additionally, the same feelings will be easier to create because the body has been manufacturing the same chemicals and hormones every day. As a result of the emotions of fear, anger, hostility, frustration, pain, suffering, and so on, because they are derived from the stress hormones and emergency systems of survival, the brain tells the body to prepare for the event in case it happens again. Now guess what happens? Guess what the sum total of this entropic process is?
Our entire perception of the world becomes based on that memory. This is what keeps the body connected to the past. In other words, we will see the world equal to the story we tell ourselves about the past.
Making a difference and uplifting lives is my passion. And if I had to revisit that painful memory all over again to know that in the end, countless lives will be impacted by sharing my story, then it’s worth it.
Come and sail with me into one of my untold stories.
The Brutal Scars
I was about five years old when my mother got married to my stepfather. What was a celebration of a new beginning for my mother — was the beginning of a hell-journey for me.
Swollen bumps on my head were covering my head from constant beating. He’d use his knuckles, or sometimes he’d use a hard stick to strike me with… merciless.
An angel he would become the moment my mother was around or any of my family members. He’d be a different person. Smiling and acting as nothing happened. As for me, I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing.
I started to develop this unstoppable trembling shake every time I saw him. I tried to calm my nerves down, but I couldn’t stop as long as he was there.
And the worst part was being called “the crazy one”, being laughed at by my family members and make me bleed even more by throwing these words, “her demons have arrived, look she’s shaking.”
Not a single one of them dared to ask me why? Sadly, that’s the reality of this life for many people.
My mother saw the bruises, she confronted him, but he called it “an imaginary story that I made up” and that I was lying.
Every cell of mine was screaming for help. In my head, I thought she didn’t believe me. I am not going to lie; part of me felt dead.
I wished I never existed. Depression was the new norm.
And one day, I finally decided to ask my mom if she believed me. She said, “I believed you, and I hated him for that ever since from my heart.”
My Escape
My uncle called in and asked my mom if she would be interested in having one of her daughters go to England for a better future. My mom said, “yes, that would be a great idea.”
It was either my sister or me who was going to go and by now, you should know that this was my chance for a miracle breakthrough from prison.
Over the moon, that’s how excited I was. I said, “mama, please let me go.” For me, this was the beginning of a new life. Free from physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental scars, and for once, I can fly.
The liberating feeling of saying goodbye to hell on earth was a price I was willing to pursue, and even if it meant I’d not see my mama for years.
God My Priceless Gift
There was this time in particular that I would never forget because, for me, it was the beginning of a friendship with my God that changed everything.
I was heading home after playing with my friends. There he was in front of me across the street, and I’d do everything to run or escape, but he already saw me, so in trying to escape would not do much.
Then I am thinking to myself: he’s smart enough not to beat me up outside while strangers are on the look but man, I was wrong!
He looked at both sides, waited when no one was looking, and bam on my head a few knockouts. Around this time, I was about eight, I think.
Defeated. Empty. Worthless. Helpless was the fire soaring in my heart, and God knew I needed rain of mercy.
Not to brag, but I read one of the most powerful prayers I have ever said as a kid after the beating. My kid-self paused for a moment and was like yo Zahra, that was epic! There’s this presence of upliftment energy I felt. It was empowering and peaceful.
I was dropping it like it is hot with prayers. And some of you right now, I bet, are good at Jelly-dropping it like like is hot. Okay, okay, enough with my craziness.
You are itching to know what the prayer was, don’t you? I don’t know if I remember word for word, but I’ll try my best to remember. I said, “God, you see everything, and You know I am telling the truth; all this pain I have been enduring through replace for me in the future something soo beautiful.”
After saying my prayer, there was this calmness and certainty: I was going to have my VICTORY!
My wonderful Allah poured down rains of countless blessings. He flooded my heart and reminded me that I MATTERED. I was HEARD.
And God turned my emptiness to wholeness.
At 33 now, I am blessed to be the mother of 8 children. In case you were wondering if I adopted? No. I popped each and every single one of them. They rush towards me when I cry out of frustrations at times and hug me.
They gift me with words of encouragement like “mom you are going to crush it, don’t cry” towards my long awaiting business success breakthrough. And how can I forget: the prayers, the food they cook, and my sweet massage treats.
Shine Bright Like a Diamond
Diamonds go through pressure to shine. All the pain, emptiness, sadness, and grief that we are stricken with throughout our lives — are our diamond scars. Through those experiences, our light now shines through the forest brighter.
Our darkest moments have the power to influence us to become the beast we dreamt of being. And though we hate to go through pain and suffering — it is through that path we become compassionate towards others who faced something similar to our story. Let your inspiration shine bright like a diamond for others.
TAKEAWAYS
Celebrate your diamond scars. Those who caused you scars were put in your story for a reason — a reason to serve your light.
And remember whether it be trauma or pain, no experience can define you unless you give it the power.
You have a CHOICE to dwell in the past and let those moments rent an ample space in you, or you can fill that space with faith, positive energy.
Pray, pray, and pray. A lot of people underestimate the power of one single sincerely-made prayer. It can set the rest of your life to a new beginning, as it did for me.
Drive hate out with love. I know you’ll wonder how that is even possible, especially to people who robbed a lot of your happy years by causing you suffering.
But I am telling you when you choose to shower them with love, you’ll have a special place in God’s sight and that my friend will bring floods of miracles knocking on your door, therefore leading you to shine like a diamond.
In my faith, Islam, I learned that prayer is the only thing capable of changing a decree already written for you in your destiny. And what I love most about praying is that you feel this deep connection to a higher power who can make your request bend for you if HE wills.
I’ll leave you all with one of my favorite quotes from Tony Robbins:
“Some people believe that life is happening to them, and because of this, they get weighed down when something bad happens. Other people believe that life is happening for them and that each incident — good or bad — is shaping them into the person they’re meant to become. Which one would you rather be? If it’s the latter, it’s time to change your mindset.”
